Its been a couple days..

and i've totally failed at keeping all my new rules. Actually just the opposite has happened, i eat more and am less functional. So much has happened in these last few days.

I told my parents about my bulimia and they took me to a doctor who referred me to a phyciatrist, but... the appointment for it is in november! Which is complete bs. I have a problem that needs fixing now, not in like 6 months! In the mean time my family are taking me to overeaters anonymous meetings and keep pestering the doctors for earlier appointments.

I've gotten so bad that I cant go through a day of school anymore, like its mentally impossible for me, i get about 4 hours in before I cave and end up getting my parents to take me home. I've given up completely on schoolwork because all I can think of is food. It encircles my life.

Finally my parents have come to the conclusion that i am screwed up in the head, and now I get to stay home from school because its just making the situation worse.

I keep teetering between just binging and binge/purge episode now. Honestly i'd rather keep binge/purge but i'm just getting so tired of it that I'm too lazy to purge sometimes. It feels like such a futile attempt that I want to give up completely on this life. I wish my life could go back to restricting, thinks were so much easier back then. I hate throwing up but I hate keeping the food in my stomach to fatten me up even more.

Today, I binged on many things(pb&j, choc&pb, hot pretzel, spinach wrap, luna bars) and felt so terrible that I threw it all up, it was so gross. It was the most effective vomitting session I've had in a long time, and it scares me that i'm proud of that :/ My feelings were so conflicted that I ended up cutting my inner thigh 3 times, quite deep.
So then I had to tell my parents and went to the ER to get it fixed up.

Ironically, many people there were very understanding of my problems, and I actually felt some hope there that I could get better. Honestly I do want to, but my moods and thinking patterns change so quickly its impossible for me to stay on track.

So my day was thouroughly eventful, oh and I gained 5 lbs so now I weigh a whopping 120 lbs so I feel like crap. I feel so desperate to lose this weight or at least maintain that I cant think clearly. I am stressed and usually when I'm stresseD I turn to food, but food is the problem! Its a stupid cycle that my consious mind cant tell my subconsious mind to let go of.

I just hope that I can get help sooner to be better and not have to think about food obsessively anymore.
Thanks