First day of a new life :)

this is my own personal blog, not meant to deter or encourage anyone in bad habits but to keep myself on track and happy. Some may not like my ways but they are mine to choose so deal.

This is my ultimate goal. To weigh 100 lbs or less. Currently I weigh 114lbs so only 14 to go. I just need to be strong.

This is a story of my past and relationships with two 'people' Ana and Mia

        My weight is a way to show myself that I have control. Never having control as a child made my life stressful and chaotic. I was never a very pacient person, that is, until I met Ana. She taught me how to wait until I felt sickly empty, to run until my feel couldnt keep up, and to slowly watch myself disappear in front of a mirror. I push my limits for her. Our relationship started when I was 13, very overweight (190), ugly and unhappy. She comforted me and made me feel like I wasn't discusting. I hated the mirrors and the scales but Ana always nudged me to face myself and promised to help me become beautiful.
       She suggested a restrictive diet and I followed her advice quickly. I became a vegetarian. The pounds began to melt off like ice cream on a hot day.  My weight became 135 after this endeavor but still I longed for more to be shed. The success just made me want to be even more thin. Ana said I must again restrict and soon after I became vegan. No eggs no dairy and no meat. I comprised 120. I felt success pour into me again. The scale was a friend but soon I was unhappy again. I looked in the mirrors and still only saw the fat child of my youth. I felt pathetic and depressed. People would tell me I was beautiful and thin, but these were also the same people that told me I was a pretty girl when I wasnt. Now I trust no one. No one but Ana!
         I felt weak and powerless so I began to exercise to become strong, first it was innocently but soon my workouts became religiously strict. I would wake up early before school to run, then run at night. Ana was always there to cheer me on. A day that I didnt sweat or feel the rumbling of my stomach was a day that I was gaining weight and losing Ana's love. I loved Ana and she loved me, as long as I stayed thin. I shrunk down to 106 and she was proud of me, so proud. I was happy that she was happy and all was well.
         That is until one day I looked in the mirror and felt nothing. I stopped exercising and I began to eat. I ate so much that I felt sick, Ana was so disappointed. She was terribly angry with me and left me. In a desperate attempt I ran to the bathroom, panicked, any threw up. Not alot but enough. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to beg Ana for forgiveness, but this wasnt Ana, this was a different beauty. She introduced herself as Mia. I fell for her hard.
            She and I had an affair for many weeks. Gradually she taught me how to binge/purge better and better. She was extremely tough and could get violent though. I was scared to disobey her. Many nights I spend over the toilet to make her happy. She would scream in my ear that I was a discusting foul creature that was fat and needed more self control. She would scream insults until I was completely empty. Then her moods would change, she'd fill me up with complements on how proud she was of me. How beautiful, gorgeous, skinny and strong I was. Strong was always my favorite. I love being mentally strong. I got strength out of denying myself food and controlling myself. So strong that Mia actually got bored with me because I refused to binge anymore(although I now weighed 120 pounds again from all the binges) But frankly I was thankful. Mia was a bitch and she hurt me alot.
                 But Ana was different and she resurfaced in my mind. She was my first love and I know she will always be my mind and in my heart. Now I work so hard to try to prove myself to her again, I've restricted again (to 1000cal a day) and I work off at least 1000 cal by running. I know that every pound I lose is a pound that I get closer to Ana. So now I must travel into the land of thin to find my Ana again. I want to be beautiful and thin again. Wish me luck.



Daily calorie intake: 1835 cal

Daily workout: Elliptical:1110 cal

Damage done: 725

this is not my usual. My family is visiting my brother for his college graduation and the only food around is college food, god give me strength :/