New Year, New Mindset!

okay so, back in may of last year i decided to create a blog that was pro-ana in the hopes of getting thinner, and already in the troughs of my disorder, i didnt see the harm. but now i know these blogs are harmful! >.< they can trigger or give people new ideas on how to hurt themselves of lose weight unhealthily.

so instead of giving into my eating disorder, im going to get rid of it. Sounds easy eh?  Not in the slightest!! I've been struggling with annorexia since 13 and bulimia since 16. i am now 17 (ill be 18 in a month!!). i also struggle with bipolar disorder, borderline personality traits, and self harm D:

I not proud of all this, but im not ashamed either. I am open with anyone as myself, i will not lie. I am in therapy as of last year, for both eating disorder and self harm behavior, but in all honesty, i feel less and less hopeful each day. My eating is awful, i still purge everyday and im completely obsessed with food right now. I think of suicide everyday.., but i have suchh an amazing boyfriend that loves me and makes me feel like i do want to live :) I am very lucky to have found/met him <3


But those are all stories for later!

Really all I want to express is that instead of putting so much effort into killing myself, I'm going to put that energy into fixing myself, any hopefully live a life where I can feel comfort and relief and even happiness :) I'm so tired of feeling discomfort all the time.

I want to do great things in my life before I go, I just have no idea what I want to do. I have so many things that I love to do and so many things I could excel at, but if I pick one, all the others fall to the wayside and I lose an opportunity to get great at it. So instead I sit idle doing nothing, or worse: making myself worse in my disorders, because for some reason they appeal to me more than most anything :/

I truly need to figure myself out first before I can be comfortable in my life and its decisions. I wonder if everyone feels this dire sense of identity and nagging feeling that I need to do so much more than I am.

Internet is down...

so i'll try to check in if possible at random times to try to tell my progress. This is very annoying, and I've been taken out of school for a week so that I can focus on not hurting myself. So i'm extremely bored at home without internet and forums :(

hopefully it will get fixed soon.

I have an appointment for june 15 for my mental problems, so cross your fingers!

Being home is making me binge and purge much more cuz i'm so bored that i binge and i'm home alone so I have the privacy to be able to purge whenever.

Wish me luck guys <3

Its been a couple days..

and i've totally failed at keeping all my new rules. Actually just the opposite has happened, i eat more and am less functional. So much has happened in these last few days.

I told my parents about my bulimia and they took me to a doctor who referred me to a phyciatrist, but... the appointment for it is in november! Which is complete bs. I have a problem that needs fixing now, not in like 6 months! In the mean time my family are taking me to overeaters anonymous meetings and keep pestering the doctors for earlier appointments.

I've gotten so bad that I cant go through a day of school anymore, like its mentally impossible for me, i get about 4 hours in before I cave and end up getting my parents to take me home. I've given up completely on schoolwork because all I can think of is food. It encircles my life.

Finally my parents have come to the conclusion that i am screwed up in the head, and now I get to stay home from school because its just making the situation worse.

I keep teetering between just binging and binge/purge episode now. Honestly i'd rather keep binge/purge but i'm just getting so tired of it that I'm too lazy to purge sometimes. It feels like such a futile attempt that I want to give up completely on this life. I wish my life could go back to restricting, thinks were so much easier back then. I hate throwing up but I hate keeping the food in my stomach to fatten me up even more.

Today, I binged on many things(pb&j, choc&pb, hot pretzel, spinach wrap, luna bars) and felt so terrible that I threw it all up, it was so gross. It was the most effective vomitting session I've had in a long time, and it scares me that i'm proud of that :/ My feelings were so conflicted that I ended up cutting my inner thigh 3 times, quite deep.
So then I had to tell my parents and went to the ER to get it fixed up.

Ironically, many people there were very understanding of my problems, and I actually felt some hope there that I could get better. Honestly I do want to, but my moods and thinking patterns change so quickly its impossible for me to stay on track.

So my day was thouroughly eventful, oh and I gained 5 lbs so now I weigh a whopping 120 lbs so I feel like crap. I feel so desperate to lose this weight or at least maintain that I cant think clearly. I am stressed and usually when I'm stresseD I turn to food, but food is the problem! Its a stupid cycle that my consious mind cant tell my subconsious mind to let go of.

I just hope that I can get help sooner to be better and not have to think about food obsessively anymore.
Thanks

Fml.... fml... fml..

I cant seem to stop eating once i start. My life is consumed entirely by food. Anything i do revolves around it and i cannot get away from it. I seriously need help. This cannot go on like this. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle that i cant get away from and no one seems to notice. I feel like life just isnt worth it anymore, if food consumes my life then theres no point in living just to think about food. None of my family take me seriously and no one realies how bad this fucks me up. I have no willpower left anymore. I maintain my weight so people dont see my problem a a real one but its just imagined. I seriously need help but i'm not messed up enough. I cant concentrate on anything anymore. I cant do homework or play my trombone or even enjoy myself. My life is already ruined but no one cares. I just want help or death. But people dont believe i'm messed up, my family says i "play up" my problems too much, that i talk about them too much. I only talk about them because they consume my life and I cant function anymore. I ask for help but no one will help me. I feel like running away but I cant escape. I'm so trapped. People say that all you need to do to get help is to ask but I have asked and still I have no help. I'm finally hopeless.


Morning binge: 10 oreos (550)
                         1 1/2 cup coconut milk (120)
                         1/4 cup oatmeal (75)
                          1 tbsp pb (100)
                         1 tbsp carob chips (35)
                         1 roll (200)
                         5 tbsp pb (500)
                         5 tbsp jelly (250)
                         2 1/2 luna bars (200)
                         chick'n patty (90)
again i feel like i'm missing things... so another 100

total: 2220
                        
                        

a photo story through my journey!



This was my highest weight 195lbs (i'm on the left)





I'm trying to go chronilogically but its a bit difficult. Not to mention i didnt take any

photos until i was significantly less heavy. I think this is around 130-120









This was me sucking it in extremely bad!





Still heavy going to a dance

 



 
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Actually bought this!





Getting a bit thinner

 





Exercising helps



Most proud of myself at 106



Then i relapsed back to 120-115 :(

 

Today





 





will definitely be adding to this as time goes on and if i find old pictures too!



another "normal" day

so today started off really pretty good, i ate 1/2 tbsp peanut butter(50), 1/2 tbsp jelly(20), 1/4 oatmeal(75), and 1/2 cup of milk(40)!
Then i had to go to a parade and march! It was tulip fest so I played in the marching band :) i love marching!
Afterwards I hung out with my bf, we went and played some games and i got a henna tattoo. We also hung out at a friends house where i kinda felt weird because this one guy was really hitting on me right in front of my bf. Awkward!lol It kinda made me feel good though knowing someone likes the way i look :)

Later my bf came home with us to help me with my  homework but i wasnt feeling so good. My hyperthyroidism makes me soo tired sometimes :/ that and i really had an urge to binge on foods. So i sent him home, i cant believe i sent him home so i could binge on foods!! I really feel terrrible :( heres what I ate: 14 oreos(740)
        1 cup coconut milk(80)
       2tbsp peanut butter (200)
        2tbsp carob chips(70)
       1 cup bean soup(110)
       1 tortilla(70)
        some lettuce and tomatoes(50)
       1 tbsp guacamole(60)
       1 tbsp taco sauce(5)
       1 serving tortilla chips(160)
       probably missing things! I cant remember! so i'll add another 100 to feel okay.
so my daily total is.. .. .. ... ... ... .. .. . . . 1830 calories!! What! I love it when that happens, when i feel like i ate over 3000 calories and its actually not too bad. Good day then. Tommorrow will be better too :)
      

Calorie totals for today

:/ blah i think i ate too much but i'll list all that I ate so it is documented!

during school: 1 kars raisin and nut mix(240)
                       1 stick of gum(5)

after school and softball game (bad binge time!!): Romaine Lettuce(30)
                                                                               1 chick'n scallopini patty(90)
                                                                               1tbsp of balsamic vinagrette(25)
                                                                               1 small potato(100)
                                                                               1 kars raisin and nut mix(260)
                                                                               2 tbsp creamy peanut butter(200)
                                                                               1 tbsp carob chips (35)
                                                                               1 tbsp jelly (50)
                                                                               1 mcdonalds apple pie(250)
                                                                               3 oatmeal creme cookies(420)
                                                                               9 oreos (480)
                                                                               1.5cups of coconut milk(120)
                                                                               1 tbsp of peanut butter(100)
                                                                               1 tbsp of blueberry jam(40)
                                                                               1 white macadamia chocolate luna bar(80)

and that is all! I feel so flipping lame though because i conned my parents into taking me over town because I had no bad food in my house to binge on because i threw it all out. My family probably thought I was crazy ha. Oh well. Tomorrow i shall do better, i still feel good about yesterday.

Calories intake: 2525 damn. At least its not 3000. Do better tommorrow!