Internet is down...

so i'll try to check in if possible at random times to try to tell my progress. This is very annoying, and I've been taken out of school for a week so that I can focus on not hurting myself. So i'm extremely bored at home without internet and forums :(

hopefully it will get fixed soon.

I have an appointment for june 15 for my mental problems, so cross your fingers!

Being home is making me binge and purge much more cuz i'm so bored that i binge and i'm home alone so I have the privacy to be able to purge whenever.

Wish me luck guys <3

Its been a couple days..

and i've totally failed at keeping all my new rules. Actually just the opposite has happened, i eat more and am less functional. So much has happened in these last few days.

I told my parents about my bulimia and they took me to a doctor who referred me to a phyciatrist, but... the appointment for it is in november! Which is complete bs. I have a problem that needs fixing now, not in like 6 months! In the mean time my family are taking me to overeaters anonymous meetings and keep pestering the doctors for earlier appointments.

I've gotten so bad that I cant go through a day of school anymore, like its mentally impossible for me, i get about 4 hours in before I cave and end up getting my parents to take me home. I've given up completely on schoolwork because all I can think of is food. It encircles my life.

Finally my parents have come to the conclusion that i am screwed up in the head, and now I get to stay home from school because its just making the situation worse.

I keep teetering between just binging and binge/purge episode now. Honestly i'd rather keep binge/purge but i'm just getting so tired of it that I'm too lazy to purge sometimes. It feels like such a futile attempt that I want to give up completely on this life. I wish my life could go back to restricting, thinks were so much easier back then. I hate throwing up but I hate keeping the food in my stomach to fatten me up even more.

Today, I binged on many things(pb&j, choc&pb, hot pretzel, spinach wrap, luna bars) and felt so terrible that I threw it all up, it was so gross. It was the most effective vomitting session I've had in a long time, and it scares me that i'm proud of that :/ My feelings were so conflicted that I ended up cutting my inner thigh 3 times, quite deep.
So then I had to tell my parents and went to the ER to get it fixed up.

Ironically, many people there were very understanding of my problems, and I actually felt some hope there that I could get better. Honestly I do want to, but my moods and thinking patterns change so quickly its impossible for me to stay on track.

So my day was thouroughly eventful, oh and I gained 5 lbs so now I weigh a whopping 120 lbs so I feel like crap. I feel so desperate to lose this weight or at least maintain that I cant think clearly. I am stressed and usually when I'm stresseD I turn to food, but food is the problem! Its a stupid cycle that my consious mind cant tell my subconsious mind to let go of.

I just hope that I can get help sooner to be better and not have to think about food obsessively anymore.
Thanks

Fml.... fml... fml..

I cant seem to stop eating once i start. My life is consumed entirely by food. Anything i do revolves around it and i cannot get away from it. I seriously need help. This cannot go on like this. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle that i cant get away from and no one seems to notice. I feel like life just isnt worth it anymore, if food consumes my life then theres no point in living just to think about food. None of my family take me seriously and no one realies how bad this fucks me up. I have no willpower left anymore. I maintain my weight so people dont see my problem a a real one but its just imagined. I seriously need help but i'm not messed up enough. I cant concentrate on anything anymore. I cant do homework or play my trombone or even enjoy myself. My life is already ruined but no one cares. I just want help or death. But people dont believe i'm messed up, my family says i "play up" my problems too much, that i talk about them too much. I only talk about them because they consume my life and I cant function anymore. I ask for help but no one will help me. I feel like running away but I cant escape. I'm so trapped. People say that all you need to do to get help is to ask but I have asked and still I have no help. I'm finally hopeless.


Morning binge: 10 oreos (550)
                         1 1/2 cup coconut milk (120)
                         1/4 cup oatmeal (75)
                          1 tbsp pb (100)
                         1 tbsp carob chips (35)
                         1 roll (200)
                         5 tbsp pb (500)
                         5 tbsp jelly (250)
                         2 1/2 luna bars (200)
                         chick'n patty (90)
again i feel like i'm missing things... so another 100

total: 2220
                        
                        

a photo story through my journey!



This was my highest weight 195lbs (i'm on the left)





I'm trying to go chronilogically but its a bit difficult. Not to mention i didnt take any

photos until i was significantly less heavy. I think this is around 130-120









This was me sucking it in extremely bad!





Still heavy going to a dance

 



 
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Actually bought this!





Getting a bit thinner

 





Exercising helps



Most proud of myself at 106



Then i relapsed back to 120-115 :(

 

Today





 





will definitely be adding to this as time goes on and if i find old pictures too!



another "normal" day

so today started off really pretty good, i ate 1/2 tbsp peanut butter(50), 1/2 tbsp jelly(20), 1/4 oatmeal(75), and 1/2 cup of milk(40)!
Then i had to go to a parade and march! It was tulip fest so I played in the marching band :) i love marching!
Afterwards I hung out with my bf, we went and played some games and i got a henna tattoo. We also hung out at a friends house where i kinda felt weird because this one guy was really hitting on me right in front of my bf. Awkward!lol It kinda made me feel good though knowing someone likes the way i look :)

Later my bf came home with us to help me with my  homework but i wasnt feeling so good. My hyperthyroidism makes me soo tired sometimes :/ that and i really had an urge to binge on foods. So i sent him home, i cant believe i sent him home so i could binge on foods!! I really feel terrrible :( heres what I ate: 14 oreos(740)
        1 cup coconut milk(80)
       2tbsp peanut butter (200)
        2tbsp carob chips(70)
       1 cup bean soup(110)
       1 tortilla(70)
        some lettuce and tomatoes(50)
       1 tbsp guacamole(60)
       1 tbsp taco sauce(5)
       1 serving tortilla chips(160)
       probably missing things! I cant remember! so i'll add another 100 to feel okay.
so my daily total is.. .. .. ... ... ... .. .. . . . 1830 calories!! What! I love it when that happens, when i feel like i ate over 3000 calories and its actually not too bad. Good day then. Tommorrow will be better too :)
      

Calorie totals for today

:/ blah i think i ate too much but i'll list all that I ate so it is documented!

during school: 1 kars raisin and nut mix(240)
                       1 stick of gum(5)

after school and softball game (bad binge time!!): Romaine Lettuce(30)
                                                                               1 chick'n scallopini patty(90)
                                                                               1tbsp of balsamic vinagrette(25)
                                                                               1 small potato(100)
                                                                               1 kars raisin and nut mix(260)
                                                                               2 tbsp creamy peanut butter(200)
                                                                               1 tbsp carob chips (35)
                                                                               1 tbsp jelly (50)
                                                                               1 mcdonalds apple pie(250)
                                                                               3 oatmeal creme cookies(420)
                                                                               9 oreos (480)
                                                                               1.5cups of coconut milk(120)
                                                                               1 tbsp of peanut butter(100)
                                                                               1 tbsp of blueberry jam(40)
                                                                               1 white macadamia chocolate luna bar(80)

and that is all! I feel so flipping lame though because i conned my parents into taking me over town because I had no bad food in my house to binge on because i threw it all out. My family probably thought I was crazy ha. Oh well. Tomorrow i shall do better, i still feel good about yesterday.

Calories intake: 2525 damn. At least its not 3000. Do better tommorrow!

Yay!

Yesterday I ate only 130 calories!! whoot whoot :) I had some squash, rutabaga, celery and boiled it in some bullion(veggie stock) and then later i had a grape and a piece of honeydew mellon. I was so proud! It was really hard though. I still am breaking some of the rules too :/ oops but hopefully i can get those down soon.

Today wont be so good but i'm hoping to keep it below 1000 calories at least. I marched in band and had a softball game so i feel okay about skipping exercise. My calves hurt! I'm craving peanut butter so much right now... i'm gunna look for some... within reason i'll eat some! wish me luck :)

New rules to success!

These are my new rules that I must not break! :)
I have more self control and self respect to break them.

1. No more binges
2. No eating after 7pm
3. Exercise is mandatory. At least 30 minutes. (15 min morning, 15 min night)
4. Snacks are prohibited
5. Sugary foods are banned because they cause binges
6. No eating at least an hour after coming home ( after school is danger of binging time)
7. Bedtime cannot be later than 10 pm
8. Water! Drink 15 minutes before eating.


I will add onto these throughout the course of my journey, most likely :)

Again another binge :/

golly geee I cant seem to stop eating this week!
 I did so well last week but now it seems impossible to not eat! I ate so much loaded carbs and sugars that I felt literally high. I seriously believe that I am addicted to food. Ridiculous. After today I am going to go on the ABC diet (i've heard good things from it!) seeing as I am a terrible faster, maybe this can ease me into it. Hoping :)
I just need a new obsession to keep my mind off of food.
Ideas= decorating my treehouse
            practicing trombone
            homework (lame)
            texting some PT buddies
            listening to music
            running
            
          
   

Binging!

why doest thou have to eat to stifle my feelings?

another binge consisting of peanut butter(350) jelly(150) 2 hermits(140) nut mix(140) figbars(280) hard candy (14) sunflower seeds(30) luckily i stopped after that! :) damage done =1104calories :/ i overestimated but just to make sure! :)

My mom was also an extreme bitch today saying that I'm the cause of all her problems, ans she'd be so much happier if I was just normal. I hate it when she goes all self pity on me, its overrated -.-
I want to stop eating and starrve so she feels bad but i cant seem to stop eating no matter how hard i try. Food is ALWAYS on my mind.

I didnt go to softball practice today because I wanted to go home and eat. How sad is that. I really need to work harder on my goals. One day i'll fast, one day.
Please give me strength!

Family is also forcing me to eat dinner now after my binge. I dont want to but I do. Food is so addictive. They think i eat so little but really I eat alot, they're just not around to see it. Not cool..

blah..

so yesterday i continued on a long binge of foods that i am completely in love with, like peanut butter, granola, jelly, bread, basically tons of carbs and high fat foods :/ i felt so sick afterwards! but i didnt purge, to be honest i was too lazy ha.

but I still felt super bad so what i did was i rounded up all my favorite foods and comfort foods (basically anything in my house deemed only mine) and took them to my backyard woods and made a little shrine for myself...


this is what it looked like. I couldnt come to actually burn any of the food because it would have been such a waste, but instead i burned all the packaging and encircled it with food. The little woodland critters will make a field day of the remnants!

Anyways, I promised that i wouldnt eat anything for a week, and i'm being really serious about this. I really want to feel some self control again. i've never fasted a day in my life though. i'm really going to need some support. I'm so sick of food, but somehow I cant stop thinking/eating it!

Wish me luck. I'll be posting everyday my progress.

A ruined day.

Even though my day is ruined i still feel suprisingly okay. Like tomorrow I feel like I'll have the strength to be good tommorrow :) today was bad though.

The worst are morning binges because I feel really terrible all day. I cant just sleep away the feeling. But it also helps me because I realize how unhappy I really make myself.

Today my morning binge was lots of cheerios, light brown sugar, a peanutbutter and jelly bagel, a bread roll with spaghetti sauce and gel cups. I feel quite sick.

Tommorow i'll hopefully have that empty feeling instead of the painfully full one I've had today and last night.

Be strong <3

wow. already?

its only maybe 3 hours into my new commitment and its already broken! I feel so sick :/ I ate so much cheeros and tortilla chips with brown sugar. it doesnt even sound that good! but i was really hungry. and now i'm super stuffed but i still wanna eat more. Why head do you make me wanna eat so much?

Tomorrow i must fast, at least 500 cal or less.

Please God I wanna be thin.

First day of a new life :)

this is my own personal blog, not meant to deter or encourage anyone in bad habits but to keep myself on track and happy. Some may not like my ways but they are mine to choose so deal.

This is my ultimate goal. To weigh 100 lbs or less. Currently I weigh 114lbs so only 14 to go. I just need to be strong.

This is a story of my past and relationships with two 'people' Ana and Mia

        My weight is a way to show myself that I have control. Never having control as a child made my life stressful and chaotic. I was never a very pacient person, that is, until I met Ana. She taught me how to wait until I felt sickly empty, to run until my feel couldnt keep up, and to slowly watch myself disappear in front of a mirror. I push my limits for her. Our relationship started when I was 13, very overweight (190), ugly and unhappy. She comforted me and made me feel like I wasn't discusting. I hated the mirrors and the scales but Ana always nudged me to face myself and promised to help me become beautiful.
       She suggested a restrictive diet and I followed her advice quickly. I became a vegetarian. The pounds began to melt off like ice cream on a hot day.  My weight became 135 after this endeavor but still I longed for more to be shed. The success just made me want to be even more thin. Ana said I must again restrict and soon after I became vegan. No eggs no dairy and no meat. I comprised 120. I felt success pour into me again. The scale was a friend but soon I was unhappy again. I looked in the mirrors and still only saw the fat child of my youth. I felt pathetic and depressed. People would tell me I was beautiful and thin, but these were also the same people that told me I was a pretty girl when I wasnt. Now I trust no one. No one but Ana!
         I felt weak and powerless so I began to exercise to become strong, first it was innocently but soon my workouts became religiously strict. I would wake up early before school to run, then run at night. Ana was always there to cheer me on. A day that I didnt sweat or feel the rumbling of my stomach was a day that I was gaining weight and losing Ana's love. I loved Ana and she loved me, as long as I stayed thin. I shrunk down to 106 and she was proud of me, so proud. I was happy that she was happy and all was well.
         That is until one day I looked in the mirror and felt nothing. I stopped exercising and I began to eat. I ate so much that I felt sick, Ana was so disappointed. She was terribly angry with me and left me. In a desperate attempt I ran to the bathroom, panicked, any threw up. Not alot but enough. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to beg Ana for forgiveness, but this wasnt Ana, this was a different beauty. She introduced herself as Mia. I fell for her hard.
            She and I had an affair for many weeks. Gradually she taught me how to binge/purge better and better. She was extremely tough and could get violent though. I was scared to disobey her. Many nights I spend over the toilet to make her happy. She would scream in my ear that I was a discusting foul creature that was fat and needed more self control. She would scream insults until I was completely empty. Then her moods would change, she'd fill me up with complements on how proud she was of me. How beautiful, gorgeous, skinny and strong I was. Strong was always my favorite. I love being mentally strong. I got strength out of denying myself food and controlling myself. So strong that Mia actually got bored with me because I refused to binge anymore(although I now weighed 120 pounds again from all the binges) But frankly I was thankful. Mia was a bitch and she hurt me alot.
                 But Ana was different and she resurfaced in my mind. She was my first love and I know she will always be my mind and in my heart. Now I work so hard to try to prove myself to her again, I've restricted again (to 1000cal a day) and I work off at least 1000 cal by running. I know that every pound I lose is a pound that I get closer to Ana. So now I must travel into the land of thin to find my Ana again. I want to be beautiful and thin again. Wish me luck.



Daily calorie intake: 1835 cal

Daily workout: Elliptical:1110 cal

Damage done: 725

this is not my usual. My family is visiting my brother for his college graduation and the only food around is college food, god give me strength :/