okay so, back in may of last year i decided to create a blog that was pro-ana in the hopes of getting thinner, and already in the troughs of my disorder, i didnt see the harm. but now i know these blogs are harmful! >.< they can trigger or give people new ideas on how to hurt themselves of lose weight unhealthily.
so instead of giving into my eating disorder, im going to get rid of it. Sounds easy eh? Not in the slightest!! I've been struggling with annorexia since 13 and bulimia since 16. i am now 17 (ill be 18 in a month!!). i also struggle with bipolar disorder, borderline personality traits, and self harm D:
I not proud of all this, but im not ashamed either. I am open with anyone as myself, i will not lie. I am in therapy as of last year, for both eating disorder and self harm behavior, but in all honesty, i feel less and less hopeful each day. My eating is awful, i still purge everyday and im completely obsessed with food right now. I think of suicide everyday.., but i have suchh an amazing boyfriend that loves me and makes me feel like i do want to live :) I am very lucky to have found/met him <3
But those are all stories for later!
Really all I want to express is that instead of putting so much effort into killing myself, I'm going to put that energy into fixing myself, any hopefully live a life where I can feel comfort and relief and even happiness :) I'm so tired of feeling discomfort all the time.
I want to do great things in my life before I go, I just have no idea what I want to do. I have so many things that I love to do and so many things I could excel at, but if I pick one, all the others fall to the wayside and I lose an opportunity to get great at it. So instead I sit idle doing nothing, or worse: making myself worse in my disorders, because for some reason they appeal to me more than most anything :/
I truly need to figure myself out first before I can be comfortable in my life and its decisions. I wonder if everyone feels this dire sense of identity and nagging feeling that I need to do so much more than I am.
